In the week where we finally discover the result of hundreds of hours of surprisingly gripping fantasy TV (shut up, I haven’t seen it yet, DON’T YOU DARE RUIN IT FOR ME), it is fitting that we might also discover the result of thousands upon thousands of hours of fantasy politics.
This week will likely see the largest turnout for a European Parliamentary election in the UK’s history. It might also herald the decimation of the two-party system within this country – both the Tories and Labour will likely see their worst ever results in any election in the modern political era. While there is a quantifiable claim that people vote differently in European elections compared to General Elections, the results of this week could have dire consequences upon British politics.
Those feeling alienated will feel empowered, those feeling loyal will feel betrayed. But no-one will really be satisfied.
Much like Series 8 of Game of Thrones.
While this isn’t the week that ends Brexit, it may well be the one that decides it.
Here. We. Go.
So, What Are We Looking At?
According to the latest ComRes poll, the Brexit Party will win Thursday’s election with a vote share of 31%. Labour are on 22%, having haemorrhaged votes rather than win them, the Lib-Dems are on 16%, and the Tories are currently tied with the fucking Green Party on 9%.
Major political figures in both of the major parties have also stated their plans to defect. Michael Heseltine, deputy PM to John Major, has said he will vote Lib-Dem, and Dame Margaret Hodge, the Labour Peer, has told people to vote tactically – i.e., vote for anyone that prevents the ‘bad guys’ winning as opposed to voting for Labour outright.
Both of these stories are most likely to be met with blank stares and a question of “Who?” by most people, but these two are stalwarts of their respective parties. The fact that they are turning their backs on them now cannot be downplayed – it is massive.
It’s going to be a bloodbath for the Tories and Labour.
OK Kewl But We Already Knew That, Right?
Yeah, we did. It’s still pretty hilarious / terrifying / hilarifying though.
Because, with absolutely scant regard for the wellbeing of the nation, the Tories have decided that now is the time to think about what comes next. Not how we move on from this horrifying monster that we call Brexit, however. How we move on to vote for the next useless prick to lead the country.
And it’s probably going to be BoJo.
…Boris Johnson, so we’re clear.
While Mad Queen May’s days are numbered, Boris let slip his intention to run for Prime Minister at a conference for insurance executives. This is probably as fitting a place to announce it as he could have hoped for – wannabe king of the wankers, announcing his desire to rule to a room full of massive wankers.
As May’s departure is all but confirmed now (he said, deciding to not remember the past and pretend that she might finally fucking leave as opposed to be supreme ruler for the rest of time), a poll of Tory party members put him miles ahead of Dominic Raab, his closest competitor.
He’d trash him head-to-head by 59% to 41%, according to the poll.
And BoJo would swoop in on British politics, full of braggadocio and bumbling affability, and declare that he will change the EU’s mind on the Withdrawal Bill and create a Brexit for everyone.
And, after announcing a mission-plan so fundamentally stupid, he’d probably accidentally walk into a staging light and set himself on fire.
Whoever comes next, Boris or otherwise, will face the same issues May has. Personality will not be enough gloss over an utter vacuum of policy…
For a while, at least.
So… We’re Screwed, Then?
No. We might be ok.
First up, the Tories’ front-runner in leadership bids has a history of failing miserably. David Davis, anyone?
Because of this, Boris is not an out-and-out surefire winner for the leadership race. This is partially due to the fact that he is the favourite amongst the Conservative membership, but not the Conservative MPs.
The Conservative MPs are the ones who decide the candidates through a process of elimination, and there is a chance that they may decide not to put their faith in Johnson – in fact, while many Tory members love him, the majority of Tory MPs see him as duplicitous and moronic.
We might be saved from him yet.
But if we were, we might let Corybn into the doors of No. 10. A man who will decimate our economy.
I’m going to go and buy shares in bunkers, DVDs of films from the 90s and a lifetime supply of Pom-Bears. I don’t want to influence anyone’s thinking, but now would be a good time to stock up on games that take over a generation to finish.
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