Weekly Wrap-Up, 08/03 – 15/03

Between the Lines was incredibly sad to hear of the senseless violence in New Zealand last night. Our hearts and minds are with the people of Christchurch and the country as a whole. While it can be tricky to find humour on mornings like this, we simply must try to, and so we will.

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BREXIT STILL UTTERLY SHIT

Jesus Christ.

What a week. I posted on Monday that I thought that it would be an absolute political train wreck this week, but even by Brexit’s standards it was an absolute humdinger. As it was the main event of the week, I thought we should just have a quick run-down of what happened day-by-day.

We all need a laugh.


MONDAY

Things were tense on Monday. A weekend of hard negotiations between the UK and the EU had largely failed, yet May had a meaningful vote on her deal the day after – something had to give.

So, that bastion of democracy, that champion of Britain, the vicar’s daughter with the thirst for slaughter (NB: not accurate), Theresa May the Maybot herself was flown over to Strasbourg to sort those nasty EUrocrats out once and for all. She fought through storm Gareth over the Channel, parachuted out over EU headquarters, smashed through the window into the negotiating room and screamed “BREXIT MEANS BREXIT” at Jean-Claude Juncker so loudly he accidentally swallowed his cigarette.

This resulted in a joint announcement from May and Juncker that many thought impossible:

A COMPROMISE HAD BEEN FOUND. BREXIT WAS SAVED.


TUESDAY

Except the compromise was as leaky as a 17 year-old spaniel with a drinking problem. Geoffrey Cox, the attorney general, announced on Tuesday morning, the day of Theresa’s big vote, that the legal issues still remained around the backstop – the UK could become trapped in it.

He also swore at Jon Snow on Twitter, leading to many Cox and Bollocks jokes.

May, appearing to debate in Parliament, had the look of someone whose fringe was covering the twitching vein on their temple. She had no voice either, presumably because of the scream at Juncker the night before. However, on she doggedly went, challenging her MPs and warning them that if her deal wasn’t passed, there might not be a Brexit at all. The Maybot fought to the last.

Sadly, dear reader, her wretched MPs failed to listen to our hero’s voice.

She was absolutely pummelled again, 391 to 242.

Hahahahaha.


WEDNESDAY

Fresh from another bruising defeat, at least May knew that the vote the day after was an ‘open and close’ case. No-one wanted no-deal to happen except for the silly old gammon-faces in the ERG. All she had to do was wander into the Commons and tell everyone, “It is in the nation’s best interests to vote against no-deal, so that then we can begin t– oh fucking hell wait what the hell are you doing Spelman?”

“Spelman?!”

“…SPELMAN?!”

One of May’s own, Caroline Spelman, had tabled an amendment that meant that the no-deal vote would take it off the table forever, not just for the 29th of March. May, presumably swearing heavily under her breath, told Spelman to retract the amendment, which she did, only for the Speaker to tell her she couldn’t – other MPs had also signed on the amendment and one of them might want to move it.

“Oh fuck,” said May.

She immediately told her party not to vote for the amendment, but tons of her MPs were like “lol” and voted for it anyway. That meant that the big vote was now against no-deal under any circumstance, which led to one of the most stupid things ever seen in Parliament.

May told her own party to vote against a motion that she herself had set.

And then members of her cabinet, junior ministers and MPs alike all said “lol” and voted for it anyway.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.


THURSDAY

Now the Maybot was starting to really fall apart, voice faltering, face puffy, ahead of the votes to asking the EU for an extension. But somewhere, deep inside that puffy flesh sack, a machine whirred into life.

>>>start_program
>MEANINGFULVOTE.exe

>>WARNING: Program previously force quit due to vital system errors

error: BackstopResolution.exe not found
error: PublicSupport.exe not found
error: Leadership.exe not found

COMMAND: _OVERRIDE_

***CAUTION, OVERRIDING COULD CAUSE PROGRAM Parliament.exe TO CRASH***

COMMAND: _OVERRIDE_OVERRIDE_OVERRIDE_

And so, the Maybot decided to take her vote back to Parliament again. AGAIN. FOR THE THIRD TIME.

Thursday’s vote was actually the one with the most complications, because asking the EU for an extension came with so many caveats itself that it was never going to be a case of a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ vote. Anyone who thought it would be that simple was an utter fool.

May decided put it to a simple yes/no vote. She even added a caveat to make things spicier – she would ask the EU for a short extension if MPs passed the meaningful vote in ROUND FUCKING THREE or a longer extension if they didn’t.

“That’ll make them vote for my deal. It is a good deal,” she thought.

Well, we’ll have to see about that – for the meantime, however, the motion to ask the EU for an extension passed, and a couple of amendments that would have basically finally killed off May failed. One failed by two votes. Two.


May must have smiled to herself when she got in last night.

“Victory at last,” she would have said to herself, drinking her cup of lukewarm tea. Now, she could put her meaningful vote back to Parliament one last time.

She would have got into bed, put her head on her pillow, and closed her eyes.

“This time,” she would have said. “This time, we will win.”

Something tiny inside her head would have sparked into life.

>>begin protocol DestroyAllHumans.exe?

COMMAND: _SNOOZE_


A REQUEST

We at Between the Lines have had a ball getting it up and running and are looking to expand our readership over the coming weeks. While you can follow us on Twitter @BTLpolitics, we would be eternally grateful if we could spread the word to any friends, family or colleagues – only if you’re enjoying what you’re reading, of course!

Word of mouth will always be the best form of advertising, so any help that our wonderful readers could give us would be hugely, hugely appreciated. Many thanks to all in advance.

Either way, we will be back on Monday to see what on earth happens next.

Only 14 sleeps to go!

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